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EVERYONE has the odd doubt about their other half or worry about the stability of their relationship.
You may be tempted to check your partner’s phone, feel threatened by the new “funny girl” at their work, or question whether you even have anything in common, after all.
“I don’t think there’s a person alive who doesn’t have doubts about their relationship from time to time,” says Tamara Hoyton, couples therapist at Relate.
But when doubts are constant and overwhelming, it could be that you’re experiencing relationship OCD.
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Awareness of this subtype of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) has increased in recent years with the advent of social media.
“Having ROCD can be exhausting,” says Tamara. Sufferers can find their obsessive thoughts upsetting and feel like a bad person.
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“People have thoughts like: ‘Are they good enough for me? What do other people think of them?’ But your thoughts are just thoughts, not the truth.”
Here’s how to sort normal love worries from ROCD.
First, it’s important to understand OCD itself, of which ROCD is one type.
“OCD involves the presence of obsessions and compulsions,” explains Rebecca Ker, practitioner psychologist and clinical director of Carlton Psychology Ltd.
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“Obsessions are unwanted thoughts, feelings, images, urges, worries or doubts that repeatedly enter a person’s mind. Compulsions are repetitive behaviours, such as repeated handwashing or checking a door is locked, carried out to reduce the distress or uncertainty caused by these obsessions.”
OCD is thought to affect 750,000 people in the UK*, and over 50% of them could have obsessive thoughts and compulsions in their relationships, according to NOCD, a provider of OCD therapies.
“Many argue ROCD is a form of OCD that involves intrusive thoughts, doubts and fears about a friendship or romantic relationship,” says Rebecca.
“It is not a separate diagnosis, but rather a specific presentation or profile of OCD. It is a serious condition that can significantly impact individuals and their relationships.”
Tamara adds: “The key to whether it’s ROCD is working out if there are patterns of compulsive thinking in other aspects of your life, or if it is just to do with your relationship.”
“Obsessions may focus on a partner’s flaws or if the relationship is ‘good enough’,” says Rebecca.
“A person may feel compelled to repeatedly question their partner’s love or their own feelings. You may test a partner’s commitment or seek constant reassurance.”
Constantly question your attraction to your partner?
Question if you love them “enough”, or if they love you the “right amount”?
Test their commitment by setting them challenges they aren’t aware of?
Focus on their “flaws”?
Compare your relationship to others?
Need reassurance that they want to be with you?
Need reassurance/proof that they are worthy of you?
Find ways to avoid intimacy so they can’t get too close?
“ROCD is associated with depression and reduced sexual satisfaction, and can negatively impact partners,” says Rebecca.
However, doubts aren’t always in your mind or caused by a mental health condition.
If your partner is acting secretively or you feel their behaviour towards you has changed, there may be something going on.
“Doubts may arise because there are genuine red flags within the relationship,” says Rebecca.
Tamara agrees, and says it’s important to trust your intuition. “When you think: ‘I’ve got a feeling something is off,’ you’re processing micro-communications,” she says.
“Your brain is picking up tiny pieces of communication that make you think something is wrong.”
Listen to that voice in your head.
If your partner’s story isn’t adding up and you feel gaslit or that trust has been damaged, consider whether this is a relationship you actually want to remain in.
It would be strange if you wholeheartedly accepted everything about your relationship and never analysed it.
“Most people experience doubts about their partner or relationship at some point, and this does not indicate ROCD,” says Rebecca.
Plus, excessive doubts can point to something other than ROCD.
“Your psychological make-up, in terms of your attachment style, can make you constantly ruminate,” says Tamara.
“You might have disorganised attachment, for instance, where you veer from being insecure to being dismissive. You might pursue somebody, and then as soon as you are within spitting distance of actually getting them, push them away.”
Childhood traumas may be at play, too.
“Relationship worries can be shaped by earlier life experiences. Deep-rooted fears of rejection or abandonment can show up as insecurity or a frequent need for reassurance,” adds Rebecca.
“Low self-esteem may contribute to jealousy or fears of infidelity. Attachment styles, mood disorders or ongoing emotional difficulties can all play a role in relationship anxiety.”
“There is nothing to be ashamed of if you are struggling with ROCD,” says Rebecca.
“In fact, hiding these worries can add another layer of difficulty. As with anything that feels worrying or shameful, talking helps.”
Rebecca suggests trying therapy to rewire automatic, negative thinking.
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“A good therapist will work with you to explore why you might have a tendency towards this kind of thinking.”
Response prevention
When you notice a thought like: “I don’t love my partner as much as I should”, along with anxiety or distress, Rebecca suggests: “Rather than engaging in compulsions, such as seeking reassurance or testing the relationship, acknowledge the thought without acting on it.”
Breaking patterns
Tamara recommends practising awareness until thoughts pass.
“Thinking: ‘It’s just that thing you do’, when such thoughts pop up can remove the toxicity,” she says.
“Isolate it as a process and it loses its potency.”
Working together
“With ROCD, compulsions often involve reassurance-seeking, such as repeatedly asking: ‘Do you still love me?’ While this may feel comforting initially, over time it can lead to tension or resentment in the relationship,” explains Rebecca.
“Partners may respond because they want to help, but repeatedly providing reassurance can unintentionally reinforce the compulsive cycle.”
Instead, your partner could reply: “This is your ROCD talking”, or refuse to respond to reassurance-seeking behaviours.
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